


Red Him and the World's Best Grandpa

by elwon



Series: Bizarro Knows Best [5]
Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth (Comics)
Genre: Alfred is a saint, Artemis is beyond done, Bizarro is sunshine and joy, Bizarro's a grumpy teen, Fenris is a good boy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 04:06:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12100368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwon/pseuds/elwon
Summary: Bizarro had been exploring the wonders of the universe with his eyes closed (it was not anap, no matter what Artemis called it) when his peace was ruined by Jason yelling like Artemis after she’d stubbed her toe.





	Red Him and the World's Best Grandpa

Bizarro had been exploring the wonders of the universe with his eyes closed (it was not a _nap_ , no matter what Artemis called it) when his peace was ruined by Jason in the kitchen, yelling like Artemis after she’d stubbed her toe. (Once, Bizarro had been outside in the courtyard when she yelled. He’d rushed in thinking she was being attacked only to find her glaring at the coffee table. Bizarro had decided to make a fuss of her, bundling her up in her blanket and getting her ice packs for her foot. He and Fenris had shared a look, and Fenris had fetched her a beer from the kitchen even though it was only nine am. Artemis deserved to be made a fuss of once in a while, and Bizarro was the only one who could get away with it. Jason was too ...Jason... to succeed in pampering her.) 

Bizarro grumbled to himself for 0.6 microseconds that of course the universe would disturb Jason when Bizarro was _so_ close to figuring out what that beautiful pattern in the aether out past Jupiter is, before he got himself up from his bed and rushed into the kitchen to defend Jason from whatever it was. Bizarro wondered why it was that these things always happened in the kitchen. It was a nice enough kitchen, but not that big or fancy that it warranted repeated surprise visitors at early hours of the morning. He wished Ma Gunn would keep visitors out until a reasonable time like after lunch!

Whatever it was turned out to be a suited old man, moustached with white hair, giving Jason what Bizarro would call a disappointed look. Bizarro didn’t approve of that at all. People weren’t allowed to be disappointed in Jason. He was doing his best! Bizarro would only allow positive reinforcement around his clone-dad. So he was about to whisk the man away when Jason, leaning back against the sink with scrubbing brush in one hand and a dish in the other, and a harried look on his face (and some soap suds in his hair! He’d obviously been caught unawares doing the dishes by hand) shook his head at him. Bizarro stopped and waited. If Jason wasn’t attacking then he wouldn’t either. For now.

“Alfred! What are you doing here? How did you get here? I mean, hi, hello, how are you? What are you doing here?” Jason blurts out in one breath, voice as nervous as Bizarro could remember it ever being. 

“Good morning, Master Jason. I am quite well. Master Richard informed me that he has been spending more time here. I felt it my duty to inspect your lodgings as you appear to be planning to dwell here permanently. And, obviously if required... improve them.” Alfred says, raising a single eyebrow with such intent that Bizarro’s almost impressed despite himself. “I also felt it time that I met your ...roommates, young man.” Bizarro doesn’t want some stranger coming in to their warehouse and _improving_ things. The things are fine! Leave the things alone! Fenris knows where everything is and messing that up would be unfair to him. Bizarro decides to put a stop to any improvements before they happen. 

“Oh, um. Well. You should have called, I could have tidied the place up for you!” Jason says, franticly waving the scrubbing brush around. Bizarro glances around; the kitchen is in its usual state of impeccable spotlessness, shiny, scrubbed clean and smelling faintly of lemon and mint, apart from the one corner that Fenris has claimed with an old blanket that’s covered in his shed hair. “And this is Bizarro! Biz, buddy, say hi to Alfred, my uh, my grandpa?” the scrubbing brush gets flicked in Bizarro’s direction and a few drops of water and soap suds land on Bizarro’s nice clean t-shirt, soaking through. Bizarro looks down at his chest mournfully and then up at Jason, who gives him an apologetic look when he meets Bizarro’s eyes. He’s not sure he wants to say hi, but Jason’s asked him to so...

“Red Him want Bizarro to say hi. So. Hi Red Grandpa.” Bizarro looks at Alfred and then back to Jason. Jason gives him a relieved grin, but his underlying nervousness hasn’t left him so Bizarro frowns.

“Good morning to you too, Mr Bizarro. I trust you are well?” Alfred says, glancing up and down Bizarro and tilting his head to the left just the slightest amount. Bizarro grunts noncommittally and perches on the stool by the breakfast bar and keeps his suspicious gaze on Alfred. He picks up an apple and bites it in half, chewing slowly, partly in warning to Jason’s Grandpa and partly to savour the crisp juiciness of it.

“Guess you’re ok for breakfast then? Good, good, great.” Jason doesn’t really ask. “I uh, I guess you want the tour of the place then, Alfred?” Jason sets down the scrubbing brush and tries for a welcoming smile. Bizarro thinks he doesn’t quite manage it, but Alfred’s shoulders relax minutely, so Bizarro supposes that he did well enough for Alfred. Bizarro eats the other half of his apple, eating another as Jason explains the various bits of the kitchen that Bizarro’s got no interest in. As long as the fridge keeps things cool (and opens for Fenris) and Jason can cook on the stoves and in the oven (because cooking is something Jason enjoys, for all his grumbling when he presents the food to them, it’s obvious enough to Bizarro, Artemis and Dick that he loves cooking a lot, so they thank him and make happy noises at the delicious food he gives them) then Bizarro’s got better things to do (Painting! Knitting! Finally getting that mega-family pack of Pizza Fish Gummies in the grocery cart! Figuring out that pattern out past Jupiter! Taking Fenris on lovely long walks!) to worry about what’s in the kitchen.

Bizarro listens as Jason shows Alfred around the rest of the warehouse, relaxing a little more each time Jason sounds happier and less worried, he obviously wants to impress his grandpa and Bizarro thinks he has nothing to worry about there, given how the old man seems to warm up the more enthusiasm Jason shows.

(“The courtyard’s really more of a training room, to be honest. Artemis set it up. Which is why there are so many axes... it’s sort of her thing.”

“There _are_ a fair amount of blades. Am I to take it the matting was your addition?”

“Oh yeah. Squishy human here needs the extra padding. Artemis’ said that both Dick and I have improved since she’s trained with us. Which was surprisingly nice of her really. Oh and here’s the ‘living room’, and that’s Bizarro’s knitting. He made me this hoodie, yanno? And he made a hoodie for Dick too, but only because he kept stealing mine.”

“Did he indeed? Impeccable craftsmanship. It’s reassuring to know that your teammates are looking after you. Perhaps I should have word with Master Richard about property?”

“As hilarious as that’d be to watch, nah, it’s fine, Alfie.”)

***

Alfred wins Bizarro over by fixing the tear in Pup-pup that Artemis put there by accident. Jason and Alfred had been chatting about various things that Bizarro hadn’t been paying attention to, when Artemis had walked in, stopped suddenly and then reached down to the floor.

“It was an accident. I did not mean to. My sincere apologies, Bizarro.” Artemis says as she stands, Pup-pup in her hand with an obvious tear in him that hadn’t been there before, his stuffing bursting out in stark white cloud. Artemis has a strange look on her face, like she feels guilty for damaging Pup-pup. Bizarro thinks it doesn’t suit her at all. He stares at Pup-pup, feeling oddly numb. Pup-pup is his best and first friend, and seeing him in that condition is heartbreaking. Artemis has tensed while Bizarro has sat there in silence. Bizarro recognises the signs of Artemis preparing for a fight. He wonders why for a moment until he realises that she’s expecting him to be angry with her. It was an accident and he’s not. Bizarro thinks that maybe a few months ago he would have been, does this mean he’s grown up a little? He’s not sure.

“Is ok, Red Her. It was an accident.” Bizarro gingerly takes Pup-pup from Artemis. The rip is quite severe, starting at the top of Pup-pup’s head and snaking diagonally down to reach one foot. Some of his stuffing falls to the floor as Bizarro holds him gently in both hands. He’s upset, yes, but he’s not overwhelmed by it, like he would have thought he might have been, if he’d ever stopped to consider that Pup-pup might get damaged. 

“Goodness, that is _quite_ the rip. Jason, have you any needle and thread?” Alfred says, standing and slowly reaching out to Bizarro. “I think I should be able to fix that, if, of course, you’ll allow me to, Mr Bizarro.” 

“Red Grandpa can fix Pup-pup?” Bizarro looks up from his damaged friend into the old kind eyes of Jason’s grandfather. “Yes, please, Red Grandpa. Pup-pup deserves fixing.” He’s been a good and loyal friend to both Bizarro and Fenris after all.

“I shall give it my best try, young man. I have plenty of experience with mending tears in both clothing and my charges’ flesh.” Alfred pauses, giving a slight sigh, and Bizarro can see the sadness that the man keeps deeply hidden. “Let’s see what we can do for Mr Pup-pup.” 

It’s a tense ten minutes after Jason comes back with a sewing kit and Alfred works, Pup-pup laying on the coffee table, with Jason hovering over him. The scene is very much like a surgery scene from the terrible hospital drama that Artemis will deny watching avidly, Alfred asking for more light while Jason runs to fetch him what he needs. Artemis sits quietly in her chair, looking more uncomfortable than Bizarro can remember her ever looking. He goes and sits next to her, and she flicks her gaze away, but she lets Bizarro take her hand and even squeezes back gently when he does. It’s that more than anything that finally provokes tears from Bizarro. He wipes them away quietly, and when he does, Fenris is sitting in front of him, with a bottle in his mouth. Bizarro pats his lap and Fenris leaps up into it. Sitting there placidly while Bizarro passes the bottle to Artemis and strokes Fenris gently. Fenris is the best boy and Bizarro is so glad he found him. 

Eventually, Alfred stands, and he and Jason quietly discuss his progress. Bizarro holds Fenris a little tighter as they come over to him.

“Hey, buddy, we’re all done. Pup-pup’s as good as new!” Jason smiles widely at him, and Bizarro manages to raise a little smile back for him.

“Pup-pup’s really fixed?” Bizarro hopes that they’re not just trying to make him feel better and that they mean it.

“Indeed, young man. See for yourself.” Alfred hands Bizarro Pup-pup and beside him, Bizarro hears Artemis breathe a sigh of relief. Bizarro inspects Alfred’s stitching. It’s almost better than the original stitches in Pup-pup’s joints, but for some reason it seems more obvious that the original stitches. Bizarro doesn’t want to seem ungrateful, so he has to say something.

“Thank you, Red Grandpa. But Me am still see fixing. Bizarro not like.” He says, quietly.

“Jason has scars from his wounds. They are marks that he has survived terrible things.” Alfred says, kinder than Bizarro thinks he deserves. “You might not like it now, but one day you’ll be happy they are there.” 

“Pup-pup has scar like Red Him?” Bizarro hadn’t thought of it like that. He’s not exactly _fond_ of Jason’s scars, but the alternative is no Jason at all and that’s something that Bizarro can’t bear to think about.

“Yeah, buddy. You don’t mind that do you?” Jason says, and Bizarro catches Jason’s underlying anxiety. Both Jason and Pup-pup are the best things that have ever happened to Bizarro and he’s not going to sit there and let Jason feel bad.

“No, Red Him is the _best_. Now Pup-pup is like Red Him, can Pup-pup be a full member of the team now?” Bizarro smiles as wide as he can, until his face hurts, and Jason smiles back, smaller but relaxed.

“Oh totally, dude. He’s survived a bout with Artemis, we’ll upgrade him to full team member, not just support.” Jason chuckles, ruffling Bizarro’s hair and letting his hand slide down to pet Fenris.

“Really, Little One? Now I have to say that Pup-pup fared better than you did in our first fight.” Artemis says wryly, raising an eyebrow at Jason as she does.

“Oh come on, Artemis, that’s mean. Accurate, but mean.” Jason replies, clearly not the slightest bit insulted.

***

When Dick arrives just before lunch, Alfred and Jason are ‘having a polite discussion’ over who is cooking. Bizarro agrees with Jason, who thinks that he should cook, as 1) it’s his kitchen. 2) Bizarro likes Jason’s cooking and 3) it’s rude to make a guest cook. Alfred is apparently having none of that, though, and is insisting on ‘spoiling his grandson’. Dick takes a seat next to Bizarro at the breakfast bar, smiling at Artemis, who is holding up a wall and gives only the slightest nod of acknowledgement to Dick. Bizarro pats him on the head, earning him a wide eyed look in response. It makes Bizarro grin toothily which in turn wins an amused snort from Dick.

“Oh just let him spoil you, Jay.” Dick says, jumping into the conversation in one of the brief pauses as Jason’s trying to come up with a convincing reason that Alfred should sit down and relax. Jason blinks at Dick, clearly surprised that he’d arrived without Jason noticing, and then gives Dick a betrayed look, mouth working silently as he tries to come up with a decent refusal.

“I have been told by Master Damian, of all people, that I have finally reached the age where I should be humoured by my younger family members.” Alfred adds.

“Perhaps you could consider it a belated birthday gift?” Jason looks conflicted, he obviously wants to make his grandfather happy, but he’s also very territorial over his kitchen. Artemis once made a complicated dish from Bana-Mighdall and left the place a mess afterwards (because, she had said, cleaning up had always been someone else’s job. Bizarro thought she had meant Akila from the wistfully sad look that had crossed her face briefly before she’d hidden the feelings once more) and Jason had grumbled for days until Artemis had sighed and promised to always clean up after herself. 

“Oh my god, _fine!_ Have at it, Alfred. But _one_ course only. I’m trying to watch Dick’s figure here!” Jason exclaims, throwing his hands in the air in resignation. Bizarro snorts, flicking his gaze to Dick who looks equally amused at Jason’s terrible joke. 

“Bizarro want spicy orange duck, if Red Grandpa is taking suggestions?” Bizarro says, hopefully. He’s hungry and has been craving spicy orange duck for a couple of days. Jason made it a month ago and Bizarro hadn’t been sure he liked it then, because Bizarro had been used to thinking of ducks as the cute but noisy birds he’s fed at the park, but now he can’t stop thinking about it, at least when he’s thinking about food. 

“I don’t care who cooks. But if one of you doesn’t cook soon I will be _very_ unhappy, you understand?” Artemis scowls and stalks out of the kitchen, not waiting for a reply. Bizarro hears her throw herself back down into her chair in the living area with a thump and then a hiss of annoyance as he realises that she’s sat down on her long hair, and the rustling noises of her pulling it out from under her.

Jason walks over to Dick and pulls him by the arm into the hall, Bizarro stays where he is, watching as Alfred checks Jason’s recipe book before he rummages about in their cupboards and fridge for ingredients.

(“I can’t believe you ratted me out to Alfred! Telling him where I live, of all things!” Jason hisses, trying to keep his voice down and not disturb Alfred.

“I did not! Jason, _he_ told me where you live.” Dick whispers back, peeved.

“Oh.” Jason coughs quietly. “Sorry then?” he sounds apologetic, and there’s a faint kissing sound so Bizarro assumes that Dick’s forgiven Jason.)

Bizarro refocuses his hearing on what’s happening in front of him as Alfred starts chopping vegetables.

“You’re in luck, Mr Bizarro. Fortunately, we do have the ingredients for spicy orange chicken.” Alfred says, taking a bowl out of a cupboard. “Would you care to supervise?” 

“Me am happy to watch, thank you, Red Grandpa.” Bizarro gets himself a drink from the fridge and does just that. 

A little while later, after they’ve eaten, (and Bizarro can admit that it was just as good as he remembered, maybe even better, although that part he won’t admit) they settle in the living area. Dick and Alfred are chatting about something that has happened with someone called Damian, while Jason is working at the computer with Artemis looming over him. Bizarro thinks that they’re looking into something bad that Artemis had uncovered on her travels. He’s not too interested, he wants to zone out and knit for a while, so he pulls out his knitting bag and casts on to make... well he’s not sure yet, but it’ll come to him. Fenris curls up at his feet, Pup-pup safely between his front paws. He rests his head gently on Pup-pup’s body. Bizarro wonders for a second if he should take Pup-pup back, but Fenris looks so happy cuddling with Pup-pup, that Bizarro decides that Fenris should keep him. Fenris will take good care of Pup-pup, Bizarro knows, just like Bizarro will take care of the rest of his family. And he’ll get back to doing that right after he figures out that pattern past Jupiter. One more not-nap and he should have it!


End file.
